Grace Notes

GRACE NOTE: n. in theater, a small gesture, evocative of character. / GRACE: n. unmerited divine favor. / NOTE: 1.v. to observe with care. 2.v. to preserve in writing. 3.n. an informal record.

Monday, October 30, 2006

People Like Us

Yesterday afternoon, a bunch of us went out for lunch after church--Ed and Jodi, their 13-year-old son Ethan, another couple, my friend Lori, and I. It was a long, happy lunch, with lots of laughter--maybe it was all the bright sunshine, or maybe it was the celebratory feeling of having had a service where all kinds of good things happened that morning.

From the call to worship onward, church had felt sort of breathlessly expectant. Even during the "introduce yourself to somebody new" moment (reliably my very least favorite of any event), the room exploded with friendliness and warmth and chatter, as if people had been just waiting for the chance to greet one another. Worship was participatory, and Jodi preached a sermon of great conviction. In it, she quoted the missionary C.T. Studds: "Some wish to live within the sound of a chapel bell. I wish to run a rescue mission within a yard of hell." That's the sense of priority that I think drives her and Ed and those of us who love this church so much, who are tired of going to tidy little Sunday services and resting in our neat theology, who believe that it's our brokenness and God's rescue of our sorry selves that bind us.

At the service, we also prayed for Ed and Jodi; everyone who had been blessed by them in some way was invited to gather around them to lay hands on them and pray. The whole congregation got up out of their seats and pressed forward and circled around them--there were only about 10 people left in their seats--and everybody had their arms around one another, or their hands on one another's shoulders, and there was a sense of heartfelt longing and built-up gratitude for these two people who have changed each of our lives.

Of course, since it's our special little church, the prayers themselves were interesting--our addicts, whom we love but who can just go on and on talking forever, always provide situations where you're silently cheering for them and yet also wondering if something weird or inappropriate is about to happen. But the whole time, it was just kind of neat to be in a press of all these very different people eager to surround our pastors in prayer.

Later that afternoon, I felt even more convinced of the love I felt for our church that morning. Apparently, there is another local church in our town that is planning to move to a more upscale, suburban community: "You can have the addicts," their minister (allegedly) said. "We want to be a place for families."

Whew. I can't tell you how fiercely defiant I felt hearing that story. I wanted to stand up and shout, "Heck yeah, we'll take 'em!" They're ours, they're Christ's, and if all of His preaching and all of the witness of the cross doesn't say that He came for them, and not for smug, exclusionary religious folks, then I don't know Him at all--because the Jesus I read about went around saying things like, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners" (Mark 2:17). I don't mean to be prideful about our church; it's not that, I don't think. But I feel a sense of desperate gratitude that it's here, like it's saving my life. How then could I try to escape those who need it just as badly as I do?

And there's a stunning contradiction, I think, between that pastor's attitude and what people said over and over again in the pastor appreciation videos. One after another, people from all walks of life (a couple of our former addicts, our Hollister-model pre-med college student, our math professor, our high school girls' sports coach, our businessman) said that Ed and Jodi had made them feel like they had a family. That other pastor wants his church to be a place where people can come bring their nice families--and what our pastors are doing is taking people who have lost their families or who never even had a real family, and welcoming them into the family of Christ.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Field Notes

So the past three nights, I've been at school til past midnight, mostly grading til my head started splitting. I returned a class set of essays today. 21 students' essays, and for each one I filled out an evaluation form and wrote detailed personal comments with encouragements, questions, and suggestions for how they could improve for the next essay. I also spent an hour this morning reviewing their essays and developing an exercise to target some of the most common problems. Finally, I told them in class that if any of them were disappointed in their grade, we could meet and they could write an additional essay, and I would replace their lower grade with the new grade because I want them all to have the most opportunity to improve.

And STILL I'm fielding complaints. "My dad is a very respective [sic] writer, and he looked at my essay. If he didn't find anything wrong with it, I don't know what there could be." Oh, sorry--I forgot to base my grades this time on the Parent Survey (Question 1: What is your occupation? Question 2: What grade do you think your child should get?) . . . my mistake!

I love teaching, but . . . argh. It's the ones who want to argue rather than actually learn and get better that make me crazy. Still, he's a nice kid--just needs to grow up a little.

On the other hand, one of my best students came by today to say he's thinking about going to grad school in English because he wants a job that really means something. He asked me to be his advisor since he's becoming an English major, which is nice because it means I'll get to keep working with him (I like advising--one career path I considered was counseling, and I get to do a little through advising. Just enough because I don't truly have the patience to really do it full time). I should go home thinking about him instead of about the other kid. Ah, the mature young scholar, with such excellent taste in faculty advisors. ;)

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Drive-time

This past weekend I was in Philly for a conference, and flying is such a production that I decided to drive. Having my car allowed me to visit Nifty Fifty's, though the location in South Philly had closed, so I had to drive all the way out to Swarthmore for my customary Golden Fried Chicken Cutlet sandwich (who knew Cheez Whiz would be so good with iceberg lettuce?), basket of homemade fries, and chocolate cherry milkshake. On the way, I saw that Wing Wah's Chinese restaurant had also closed. A moment of silence for the best General Tsao's chicken I have ever had.

I don't mind driving--even enjoy long drives--though I used to haaate it. On the street where I grew up, traffic generally blows by at about 65 mph. My parents didn't want me to wander out into the road when I was a toddler, so they used to tell me scary stories about cars, trucks, and motorcycles, and (I guess) how they could veer out of nowhere and run a little girl down.

Consequently, when I started to drive, I constantly imagined horrific accident scenarios. Driving felt, on a low level, like maneuvering a disaster-evasion course. But then I moved to Center City Philly, where drivers are so aggressive that they honk if you don't start to go when the traffic light in the opposite direction turns red. Driving in heavy traffic on the Schuylkill, I pretty much had to just screw my eyes shut and go for it (kidding, Mom).

Still, what really changed my feelings about driving was the 950-mile trek from Missouri to New Jersey, which I did too many times when I was living in St. Louis. At first, going back and forth, I stayed with friends in Youngstown, Pittsburgh, Chicago, or even Charlottesville. But then I started doing the drive in a single day, and I started getting this unaccountable satisfaction from it.

I almost miss those drives. It was partly the physical challenge (my best time: 16 hours, 15 minutes), partly the feeling of having traveled over an astonishingly vast part of our country. Partly those really pretty stretches of Southern Illinois or Southern Indiana, with wide expanses of fields on either side and endless miles of black-eyed Susans breezing past. Partly the way the light would look dappling the highway through the summer-lush tree-tops in the late afternoon. Partly the sweetness of a milkshake after a couple of hundred hot, thirsty miles, and the routine I started to have, my own stops and my own landmarks--look, there's the Indy skyline against the setting sun, only 5 hours to go to St. Louis. There's nothing special about the Fazoli's in Terre Haute, but heading eastward, it meant I was through the first leg of a trip home.

Every time I circled the St. Louis Arch on that curve of highway just over the bridge, I remembered how otherworldly it had looked the first time I saw it, how it had almost glowed green, lit up so strange and tall against the night sky, confirming how very far from home I was.

Whoops

Somebody just gently pointed out an unfortunate typo in the video. This would be a good time for me to distance myself, but for sure I should have caught "their lives were changed though a commitment to Christ" since I saw it twenty times before we showed it. Oh well. I probably deserved to be humbled for my snottiness about the church sign and other things.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Playing Favorites

This is our latest video--we just showed it on Sunday. Saying "our" is like a miner holding out a piece of jewelry crafted by an artisan and saying, "Look . . . our ring!" I pretty much just held the camera and the microphone . . . and as the MC pointed out after reviewing the footage, "is that an earthquake effect?" "Why is everything echoing?" Uhh, it's just the apprentice at the controls. Still, the MC managed to edit the random footage into a story and set it to music that reflects the joyousness of all that baptism celebrates, which is why this is now my favorite vcow video.

baptism 2006

Monday, October 23, 2006

A Psalm for Aging Gracefully

I'm not a person who really loves the psalms unless I'm in exactly the right mood. I'm not proud of it, but it's true. Maybe if I heard them as actual songs, to music, it would help. But sometimes they still penetrate, like the other day.

I had gotten a somewhat bizarre email from a well-intentioned friend that said, in part, "You know, I can always pray for my other friends, but with you, it's hard for me to pray because I can't envision how things are going to work out in your life. So it's hard for me to trust God to take care of you. I guess I just love you too much." Now, this person's heart was in the right place, sort of, but it was unsettling to have a friend wonder whether my life was going to turn out, or whether God was taking care of me. I spend enough time battling such doubts on my own, you know?

Feeling a little lost, I happened across Psalm 40, which begins with David singing, "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry." Now, my waiting for God could rarely be described as patient--rather fretful, mournful, and willful. But still, something in the line spoke to me: it was that what comforted David was reciting his own history back to God.

And this was the particular remedy I needed. Looking back on my life, I realized that in spite of all my complaining and resisting, God has dragged me kicking and screaming toward faithfulness. My progress is probably imperceptible, but in a sense, that reminds me all the more of God's forbearance with my glacial slowness. Even as I'm more aware of the holes in my faith, I can see that there's so much that I've learned, so much that I don't worry about anymore that I used to fear so intensely, that it's a relief to realize, hey, maybe there's a difference after all . . . it's not that I felt like, "Okay, I've arrived," but I felt like God was saying, "Look, yes, you're still a mess in some ways, but then look at how much worse you were before and see what I've done."

Thinking about this makes me look forward to growing old, to living long enough to have a really substantial faith instead of a sort of provisional one, which is what I think I have right now. When my grandmother died, 87 years of experiences with God had enlarged her faith so that nothing unsettled her--not $3000 electric bills (a long story), not prodigal family members, not even the death of her husband of 50+ years. Certainly not one silly email from a friend. I don't know if everybody continues to grow in faith like that, through all their lives, and I suspect that maybe they don't. I've seen some hardened, bitter older people, and I've seen some luminous ones. I pray that I'll get to be one of the second kind, even as I know that I'm often fighting God with all my might in all that He has to do to try to make me that way.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Irony

Kate's recent post about the sign she spotted prompted me to let my own word-obsessive-geek flag fly. Here is a sign I saw at the big church I visited the weekend before last:

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Pastor Appreciation Month

This is one of the videos we made for pastor appreciation month (October).

pastor appreciation part 1 of 3

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Hungering after Righteousness

Our church is in the middle of 40 days of prayer and fasting--prayer for God's presence and power, prayer for our city and our calling to serve. Jodi launched the 40 days with a sermon on fasting. She was encouraging, convicting, inspiring; she talked about the many ways we can fast, and since then, a lot of people have decided to give up real comforts during this period: tobacco, sweets, entertainment, etc. . . . as well as fasting in the traditional "no food" sense (fasting a meal each day, or a day each week, or for several days).

I have to admit that I've never understood fasting--it's one of those things that isn't very clearly explained in the Bible (not the "why" of it, anyway), except that it's clear that a lot of very holy people, including Jesus, did it and expected it to be a regular part of their prayer lives. And it's not one of those things that intuitively makes sense. Further, it's not a discipline that I have myself experienced as fruitful--the few times I've really fasted, I haven't felt that my prayers were especially concentrated or powerful. Even as I write this, I wrestle with whether I should even try to judge whether a discipline commanded in the Bible is "fruitful," much less how to make such a judgment. I know that fasting teaches me to see the shallowness of my concentration on God (because I'm so distracted by my hunger), but I still don't understand it really.

And yet today, I had a little glimpse of what it's supposed to mean, I think. I was at a friend's house dropping something off, and she mentioned that her husband was fasting. I don't know if I would have perceived it otherwise, but as we stood there talking, he came in and smiled and chatted. He sat down on the steps near where we were talking, and he leaned against the wall. It was a tiny motion, but since he's usually quite active and energetic, I noticed it.

Later, thinking about that moment, I was struck not by his decision to fast, but by the context of it. He is, I think, a very happy man. He has a wife who is a strong and loving partner, and healthy children who share their parents' faith. And yet, he decided to go without food . . . not for the maintenance of his own happiness, but for God to move in our church. He wants God's presence with us so much that he will give up his bodily sustenance to pray that in some mysterious way that none of us understands, that sacrifice will allow God to act in him and in us more powerfully.

I think maybe I don't understand fasting because, fundamentally, I don't understand that kind of selflessness . . .

Monday, October 09, 2006

My Apprenticeship

"When you put words on the screen, give them some kind of movement." "Use your white space." "This alley is really good for shots." "It's fine--it will look cool once we grayscale it." "Tilt the camera up . . . further . . . that's right."

I wasn't thinking about it as an apprenticeship; we were just working--intensely and every spare minute for about ten days just before the MC moved out of town and handed his media responsibilities off. We spent nearly all of the ten days filming and putting together a series of videos for the coming weeks, and mostly I absorbed his commentary as technical instruction, indisputable and inevitable in that way.

But this weekend I visited a megachurch that is in many ways as far from my church as you can get within the same theological framework. It's very close to here (just over two hours away), but it's worlds away from us in its population and resources. I'll probably write more about the visit, but right now, what I've been thinking about is the difference between what they do with their media, and what our church has done with ours.

They use video much more than we do, for everything from the clock that counts down at the beginning of the service to the announcements to the sermon itself. And yet in some ways, I felt as if they actually used it less--their videos were strictly functional, and so while they used video as a means of conveying information, they did not use it as an art form. It's as if their church and ours were both given brushes and palettes and told to signal their presence to the community, and that church painted a sign that said, "This is our church" while for us, the MC painted a bunch of images that represented the pain and joy of our people.

As I thought about all of this, I realized that the whole time we were working, the most important thing the MC imparted to me was not technical instruction, but rather a way of seeing the world, a way of conveying our identity as a church. Our videos--the ones that I like the best (and I can say this because the MC made them long before I came into the picture)--are simple, unadorned testaments to what God has done among us, in our lives, before one another's eyes.

I don't have the skill, talent, or inspiration that the MC has in spades, but I am praying that whatever I have will be enough for God to work with for now, and I am keeping everything I've learned in mind.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Follow-Up for the Inquisitive

Okay, so in answer to those of you who have actually asked me straight out what prompted the last post: yes, recently somebody paid for me. It was just Wendy's, but it was sweet and it made me feel good.

Now, back to your own business. (Just kidding . . . if I cared about that, I wouldn't post the story of my life a couple of times a week, would I?)

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Feminism . . .

. . . is great, but I gotta say--I love it when a guy pays for me. It's not about the money; it's the feeling of being taken care of.

In all fairness, I probably don't make it very easy because I also don't want anybody to feel like they have to pay for me, and I hate splitting checks, so I usually just try to pay for us both myself to avoid either them thinking that I want them to pay for me (which I don't if they don't really want to) or the awkardness of splitting a check. So they have to be sort of aggressive about it and very confident, which I guess just goes to show you . . . something, probably something all my feminist grad school professors would be totally dismayed to find in my domestic, utterly feminine (and unrepentant about it) heart.

Monday, October 02, 2006

A Week in the Life

People are always asking me how many courses I teach and how many hours each course meets per week. I can see the wheels turning as they slyly do the math--3 courses X 3 hours = 9 hours of work per week . . . not bad! It doesn't really bother me if people wonder what I do all day: sometimes, at the end of a busy day or week, I myself wonder where all the time has gone even though I know I've been working. But today, as I was looking at my calendar, I realized--it's going to be quite a week. And this is why:

To Do, a sampling

  • Prepare for New Faculty Orientation panel on "Surviving the First Year"
  • Write lecture notes for Freshman Forum faculty group
  • Create handouts for writing workshop for upper-level students
  • Create handouts and flyer for Grad School Info meeting
  • Organize and lead Grad School Info meeting (get snacks?)
  • Finish Asian-American literature website (post materials, add new photos, write a couple of pages of evaluation of Asian-American lit books)
  • Send announcement of website to American Studies listserv
  • Grade American lit survey midterms
  • Write a makeup midterm for my student who had to go to court (for "something stupid that happened in Ocean City, MD") on the day of the actual test
  • Read Ruth Hall for class and write discussion questions
  • Read Mary Rowlandson's captivity narrative and write discussion questions
  • Prepare lecture on the Salem Witch Trials
  • Cook dinner for Tuesday for a bunch of students who have been attending my church
  • Attend Wednesday meeting on advising
  • Attend Thursday dinner for students applying for fellowships
  • Post edited committee meeting minutes for approval
  • Figure out why the keyboard on my computer keeps inserting text in random places, and get it fixed without losing time

Yikes! "Dismayingly little time for sloth and idleness," says Oscar Wilde.