Couples' Therapy

Sam and I have just finished watching the first season of In Treatment, the HBO series about the clinical psychologist who ends up seeking therapy for himself. The series takes the pattern of his week, with a rotation of episodes in which he sees the same patients, ending with his own therapy session every fifth episode. The episodes are only 30 minutes long, and each of them is basically a conversation between two characters--in some cases, almost a monologue by one character. It could easily be performed on a stage set with just two chairs. And yet, even without a lot of filmic pyrotechnics, it's totally fascinating. We keep stopping the DVD to comment on the characters and their narration of their actions and motives. It has led to us talking a lot about marriage, particularly about what people (safely fictional ones) do to sustain or sabotage their marriages.

I've been interested in this because, as I've mentioned before, I'm curious about marriage, and about how to do the daily nitty-gritty of it. The abundant advice to put the spark back into marriage through the scheduling of dates and the purchase of candles or lingerie does not really get to the heart of what I am interested in thinking about. Those, to me, don't seem like the challenging issues. I mean, Sam and I really like hanging out, and we get to do so pretty regularly these days; AC is in bed by 8, and we get out by ourselves pretty much every week for at least a meal or something.

But what I wonder about are things like, how do we ensure that in five or ten or eighteen years, we still want the same things (besides parenthood)? Or, how do we ensure that--since we will inevitably want different things in some aspects of our lives--we are both satisfied and happy? I know, communication, blah, blah, blah. But I've noticed that sometimes unhappiness seems to creep up on people--the way you hear about people just waking up and walking out, having had some kind of real or false revelation. I'm not worried that one of us is going to do that, but I do wonder how you can tell how choices in the present will affect you and your marriage down the road.

For example, Sam is less satisfied career-wise than I am. Our school has a lot of resource issues that directly affect his work. He has to have regular, elaborate, time-consuming fights to get the software and equipment he needs, and he has to spend a lot of time maintaining computer labs and networks and doing things that are better supported at some other places. Me, I need basically just a room with working lights, a chalkboard, and a piece of chalk--and it would be much harder for me to find another job than it would be for him (2000 new PhDs last year, and 200 jobs). So my motivation to leave is low, and my prospects are not great; his motivation is high, and his prospects would be good. I don't want to give up my career right now; I love being able to spend a lot of time with Allison Clare and still have the intellectual and social outlet (inlet?) of working. But I also see Sam's professional discouragement as having a big impact on his overall morale and enjoyment of life, whereas I can envision multiple lifestyles for myself that I would enjoy. And who knows, down the road, how either of us would feel--me if somehow our choices led to my taking a job I didn't love as much, or Sam if he remained here and continued to feel discouraged in an area of his life that he usually loves?

This is only one of the questions that I wonder how, as a couple, you figure out. We talk and talk--we are big "communicators" and are both expressers of our feelings, ad nauseum I'm sure. But I wonder, how is it that we figure out what our particular marriage should look like down the road?