Life's Work
Through Facebook, I just this morning happened across the blog of another friend from grad school. She writes about writing--about dissertation-writing specifically--as well as about all the things she does when not dissertating. Reading her blog, especially past entries where she expressed how sheepish she felt about the time she spent doing other things besides work, I almost felt sad that so many of us were part of the same community, suppressing many of those things that make us most alive as people and (though I hardly ever put things in such terms) as women, for most of the things she talks about doing are expressly domestic.
When I was in grad school, I don't think I felt exactly embarrassed about my own domestic activities, but I didn't talk about them much. It seemed irrelevant and rife with the possibility for misunderstanding, so I adopted a sort of "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I did have other friends who actively tried to hide the amount of time they spent on other interests, and looking back, it seems like such a great loss that we didn't share it all freely, except in tiny huddles. Did we really think that as women in our 20s and 30s, it was more interesting to talk exclusively about the arcane communications among small groups of antebellum intellectuals than to integrate such scholarly talk with discussions of the joy we took in baking, knitting, gardening?
I don't think it was just because we were women that we sought a life outside the library, nor that our gender made it more necessary for us to exert effort to appear serious in pursuit of scholarship. But I do think that while everyone may have repressed outside interests, what we repressed was specifically feminine--and that is what seems like so great a loss.
I remember that once, a year or so before I graduated, someone we all knew who had finished up and gotten a job confided to me that it was way different beyond grad school, and that people in his department took pride in having dinner parties and cultivating a life outside of work. I remember not knowing exactly how such a thing could be because in grad school, other activities are seen as frivolous: "A dinner party? Why aren't you working?" The pressures of such a competitive job market (400 jobs for every 900 PhDs produced per year) means that people are struggling to prove their commitments all the time because sadly, even when it means you're psychologically and spiritually and even physically less well for it, the appearance of absolute commitment to the job seems like it might make the difference.
I think this may be one of the reasons I was so excited to start reading Maura's blog; one of the things I love about it is how unapologetic she is about her investment in domestic artistry. It's not only knowing that she does these things, which is fascinating and instructive, but also observing the calm integration of them into her working life as well. For myself, I've found that where I teach people do take joy in things like cooking, gardening, and housework. Last summer, I needed to set up a meeting to have my senior seminar evaluated by our interim department chair and another colleague, and when I emailed about a potential meeting date, the chair wrote back that she'd prefer to meet later in the summer because she was planning a vacation in France and had to get her herbs planted before she left.
What can I say? That's what I'm talking about!
When I was in grad school, I don't think I felt exactly embarrassed about my own domestic activities, but I didn't talk about them much. It seemed irrelevant and rife with the possibility for misunderstanding, so I adopted a sort of "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I did have other friends who actively tried to hide the amount of time they spent on other interests, and looking back, it seems like such a great loss that we didn't share it all freely, except in tiny huddles. Did we really think that as women in our 20s and 30s, it was more interesting to talk exclusively about the arcane communications among small groups of antebellum intellectuals than to integrate such scholarly talk with discussions of the joy we took in baking, knitting, gardening?
I don't think it was just because we were women that we sought a life outside the library, nor that our gender made it more necessary for us to exert effort to appear serious in pursuit of scholarship. But I do think that while everyone may have repressed outside interests, what we repressed was specifically feminine--and that is what seems like so great a loss.
I remember that once, a year or so before I graduated, someone we all knew who had finished up and gotten a job confided to me that it was way different beyond grad school, and that people in his department took pride in having dinner parties and cultivating a life outside of work. I remember not knowing exactly how such a thing could be because in grad school, other activities are seen as frivolous: "A dinner party? Why aren't you working?" The pressures of such a competitive job market (400 jobs for every 900 PhDs produced per year) means that people are struggling to prove their commitments all the time because sadly, even when it means you're psychologically and spiritually and even physically less well for it, the appearance of absolute commitment to the job seems like it might make the difference.
I think this may be one of the reasons I was so excited to start reading Maura's blog; one of the things I love about it is how unapologetic she is about her investment in domestic artistry. It's not only knowing that she does these things, which is fascinating and instructive, but also observing the calm integration of them into her working life as well. For myself, I've found that where I teach people do take joy in things like cooking, gardening, and housework. Last summer, I needed to set up a meeting to have my senior seminar evaluated by our interim department chair and another colleague, and when I emailed about a potential meeting date, the chair wrote back that she'd prefer to meet later in the summer because she was planning a vacation in France and had to get her herbs planted before she left.
What can I say? That's what I'm talking about!
posted by Tara | 11:28 AM
2 Comments:
Oh Tara, you're right, we should have been having this conversation all along. I've only recently felt okay giving time and voice to my other -- decidedly domestic -- interests. That's a shame and your post reminds how much of the culture of academics I really can't stand. I just want a job like yours, where I can have a family and a life and not feel guilty about wanting either. Any openings?
This is so interesting - I think about it all the time. I've found grad school has been such a weird place because of the ways people compartmentalize and hide their interests outside of academics. It's sad - both for the simple fact that "life's work," as you call it, doesn't seem worthy of conversation, and also, as you note, that we are still, as women, so apologetic and dismissive of traditionally female roles and activities that it's fairly obvious that we enjoy in some pretty substantial way. It's like we still (as a culture) are nervous that if we talk about it too much or embrace it that CHOICE might be taken out of the equation - it might be assumed, like it was for so many generations of women, that we can do those things and only those things (even though, as it turns out, many of those things are very complex and rewarding!). Anyway, sorry for rambling... but I do feel like the internet has begun to change things in some way - in so many women have begun to write semi-publicly about their lives, domestic and otherwise, and that they and their readers are busy learning HOW to share a process or experience in a way that does justice to its oftentimes quiet importance. Alright. Sorry for all this - I just think about this all the time and loved reading your post. And Anne's.
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