Service and Selfishness
Before I got married, one of the things that bothered me about the way people think about being single is the assumption that single people lead more self-centered lives than married people. I always suspected that this assumption was untrue, and now, having inspected the premise from both sides, I'm all the more sure of it.
Now, there is a terrible irony in my being the person to reveal this truth to the world because I've been quite indulgently self-centered in both my single and married estates. I got to live as a single adult for a long time, and I've now married a man who is very tolerant of my proclivities for independence.
But before I got married, I had soooooo much more time. Time that I could parcel out in a million different pieces--watching Sex and the City or knitting or writing in my journal or working an extra job or visiting friends who were having a hard time or showing up for church work days (on occasion). Some of that time was lonely, and some of it was spent in some pretty narcissistic introspection, but some significant portions of it were devoted to maintaining friendships and supporting organizations that I believed in. I had more time to squander--and blew much of it that way--but also more time to serve.
Lately, it feels harder and harder to find time like that. It's partly that there's a lot going on: renovating, moving, review at work--and wanting to spend what could be sweet and precious time with Sam and my close friends (like all you lucky 27 in our "special congregation" of May 26) before the baby comes. I've never felt so out of control of my time before, or quite so helpless in the face of demands on it--even demands that I would have gladly wanted to meet in the past. I've missed a couple of evening school and church events that I would have attended in the past, and I can't even think about taking on new tasks--I'm trying to get rid of some of the ones I've got. I don't want my life as a wife and mother to be empty of service beyond the walls of our house, but I also feel like I'm definitely losing ground as the boundary lines are re-drawn. Hmm . . .
Now, there is a terrible irony in my being the person to reveal this truth to the world because I've been quite indulgently self-centered in both my single and married estates. I got to live as a single adult for a long time, and I've now married a man who is very tolerant of my proclivities for independence.
But before I got married, I had soooooo much more time. Time that I could parcel out in a million different pieces--watching Sex and the City or knitting or writing in my journal or working an extra job or visiting friends who were having a hard time or showing up for church work days (on occasion). Some of that time was lonely, and some of it was spent in some pretty narcissistic introspection, but some significant portions of it were devoted to maintaining friendships and supporting organizations that I believed in. I had more time to squander--and blew much of it that way--but also more time to serve.
Lately, it feels harder and harder to find time like that. It's partly that there's a lot going on: renovating, moving, review at work--and wanting to spend what could be sweet and precious time with Sam and my close friends (like all you lucky 27 in our "special congregation" of May 26) before the baby comes. I've never felt so out of control of my time before, or quite so helpless in the face of demands on it--even demands that I would have gladly wanted to meet in the past. I've missed a couple of evening school and church events that I would have attended in the past, and I can't even think about taking on new tasks--I'm trying to get rid of some of the ones I've got. I don't want my life as a wife and mother to be empty of service beyond the walls of our house, but I also feel like I'm definitely losing ground as the boundary lines are re-drawn. Hmm . . .
posted by Tara | 10:38 PM
3 Comments:
I too (for selfish reasons) mourn your loss of time.
Oh, do you feel neglected?! :(
Oh, man. I can feel this one down to my toes.
And I'm a little jealous of the couples who had lots of spouse-only time before little ones arrived! Though that was my own fault.
I've been thinking lately about how all those single adult years I had should've sated my appetite for all the stuff I could, and often did, do then that just doesn't seem possible in more than bite-sized chunks now. But I suspect that it merely whetted my appetite.
Life comes in stages. You'll get to do other stuff again. And don't ever forget the ministry to your family that you are, and are becoming.
(kate steps down from pulpit)
Post a Comment
<< Home