Foodstuffs

Once we become close enough for them to notice, my friends are often surprised by my hoarding mentality. Julie used to come to visit, drop her backpack down in the bedroom, and wander out into the kitchen to open all the cabinet, refrigerator, and freezer doors. "You have so much food . . . " she would sigh, half dreamily and half reproachfully.

I love having food around. When there isn't good food in the house, I graze on candy or whatever edible bits I can find (a bit of candy, a crust of bread, a glass of juice) and then grow increasingly langorous and pallid and too exhausted to cook. This cycle continues until I go out to McDonald's, which is probably not the best solution. But the mere presence of good, fresh ingredients--fresh fruits and vegetables and meats, ingredients to make yummy sauces, etc.--makes me happy like almost nothing else.

It's true that I've never "gone hungry," in the truly dolorous sense. But it's also true that I've been hungry and pretty much always am hungry. That's why in my office, where I am right now, I have several different kinds of granola bars, a package of easy-mac, some Girl Scout cookies, a can of Spaghetti-Os, a tube of saltines, and peanut butter and jelly. Otherwise, I find myself stranded here working late and growing faint with hunger (touch back of hand to forehead).

So Sam tells me I eat like a hobbit, who apparently needs first breakfast, second breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, supper, etc. He comes over to the house, eyes up the fully stocked, walk-in pantry, and I can see him measuring the space and comparing it skeptically with the shelving at the new house. Then he asks me hypothetical questions about how many cans of vegetables I really have to have on hand, and reminds me that because of his peculiar sensibilities, "expiration dates matter now." (Chocolate chips or Cheerios don't really expire, do they? And not on the exact date . . . it's a rule of thumb. Don't worry--I don't serve anything really gross . . .) The other day he demanded to know exactly how many rolls of toilet paper I had on hand at my house just that minute. But the reason we had the conversation was that he had actually run OUT at his house! Which exactly proves my point!

I sense the beginnings of a regime change, but I will fight to protect my food supplies!